"Beauty is in the eye of the beholder."

I had time to ponder the meaning of this expression while at the Jersey shore last weekend. Perhaps my 'deep' side surfaces because of the feelings of infinity and 'oneness' I get when looking out to the sea, or the inherent combination of beauty and danger that it holds.

To me, falling in love can seem to be that way, undoubtedly alluring, but also somewhat daunting, should we become engulfed in its uncertain splendor. Certainly, deciding to 'wade out' into deeper waters is a risk taken only by those who desire to experience something greater than a solitary existence, in other words, the majority of people on the planet.

What then, is the basis for connecting romantically with another? Is the attraction physical, chemical, instinctive, emotional, or spiritual, or some combination of all of these? After we feel an attraction, what happens next? My boyfriend, Drew tells people that I gave him a 'look' that prompted him to come over and meet me; although I never realized that I gave any such look of encouragement. Perhaps our reactions to those to whom we are attracted are more instinctive than we
realize.

According to researchers, after the initial attraction occurs, the brain, when beginning to experience romantic love, releases a cocktail of chemicals including dopamine, associated with feelings of bliss, craving, and addiction, norepinephrine, which causes adrenalin-like excitement, and phenylethylamine.
Together, these chemicals produce what is referred to as a 'love high,' to which scientists' say that some people become addicted, and jump from one relationship to another to get their 'fix.'

When a romance progresses to intimacy, the hormone oxytocin is released, (creating an emotional bond), as well as vasopressin, a hormone associated with the formation of long-term, monogamous relationships. It is believed that oxytocin and vasopressin interfere with dopamine and norepinephrine pathways, accounting for attachment and bonding winning out over the initial 'love high' feelings.

As far as moving a relationship into the long-term stage, endorphins, released during exercise, as well as physical intimacy, are thought to play a significant role. They produce a sense of well being, helping us to feel soothed, secure and peaceful.

Aside from the chemistry aspect of love, the people I surveyed had
similar views of how romantic love begins, and what it takes to deepen.
Area residents Fred and Eva Simon, married over thirty years, believe that lasting romance follows a three-step process.

"The first is physical attraction, said Fred, "the moment you lay eyes on someone. Step two is getting to know the person to see if you have common values and goals. This is where inner beauty starts to come into play."

Fred said the third stage is working together to build a life based on what he called 'core values,' such as honesty and dedication to family.

His wife, Eva, said that working together for the good of the family is essential.

Former Montville resident Robert Burns, a relationship coach and author of the book, The Inner Dynamics of Successful Relationships, agrees that initially attraction is visual, but becomes more emotional as the relationship gets underway. He offered that what takes the relationship beyond infatuation is mutual respect, intellectual stimulation, and emotional trust, which enables partners to
share their feelings openly and honestly.

"Don't rush things; let them develop slowly and naturally," he said.

According to studies done at The University of Texas, the speed at which a courtship progresses often determines how successful the relationship will be. They found that the longer the courtship, the stronger the long-term relationship. Dennis Carey, a Montville native and author of Missled, an upcoming book on the complexity of romantic relationships, believes that being 'visually struck' is critical to start the interest.

He feels that discovering a depth of appealing qualities is profoundly important.

"A person who radiates warmth and self-confidence becomes more physically attractive," he said.

Similar values, morals and ethics, as well as interests are essential to a successful long term union.

"If a person wants to attract someone they can be happy with for life, they should first be prepared to become that same kind of person themselves," he said.